one week later

Well, this week's been interesting (to be exact, the past 7 days).

God's been good. Too good. I don't even know how I would have survived these past few days were it not for His grace.

I thank God for the people around me. For my family for once. And also I never knew I had that many good friends---friends who'd run to the clinic for me, friends who'd take me in on group projects I should have missed, friends who'd simply ask how I'm doing.

There are things I miss: certainty for one. I really pray I'll still be able to attend Metrocon, that I'll be able to do the things I have always done. I haven't been to worship in some time---I hope that I'll regain my staying late at school privileges soon.

wow, cut loose and cut free

Well, the interesting things that happen after passing out...
...discovering who really cares for you
...discovering my own limits...

...and amazingly finding I can relate to a certain song in "Wicked". It's funny and strange that as burdened and as heartsore as I am these days that I can still have these light moments. Maybe because for a while, I told everyone to just back off and leave me alone.

Defying Gravity

Glinda:
Elphaba - why couldn't you have stayed calm for once,
instead of flying off the handle!

I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you're clever

Elphaba:
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy too
I hope you're proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

Both:
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy right now...

Glinda:
Elphie, listen to me - just say you're sorry...

You can still be with the wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted...

Elphaba:
I know...But I don't want it - NO - I can't want it
anymore...

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

Glinda:
Can't I make you understand, you're having delusions of grandeur...?

Elphaba:
I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I have lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

Elphaba: Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do - together.

I'm Limited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been, Glinda,
Dreams the way we planned 'em

Glinda:
If we work in tandem

Both:
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

Elphaba:
They'll never bring us down...
Well? Are you coming?

Glinda:
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this...

Elphaba:
You too - I hope it brings you bliss

Both:
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend...

Elphaba:
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately -
Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me -

Tell them how I
Am defying gravity!
I'm flying high
Defying gravity!
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

Glinda:
I hope you're happy!

Citizens of Oz:
Look at her, shes wicked!
Get her!

Elphaba:
...bring me down!

Citizens of Oz:
No one mourns the wicked
So we've got to bring her...

Elphaba:
Ahhhh!

Citizens of Oz:
Down!

outgrowing my life

I feel I'm too old to be where I am: too old to be an undergrad, too old to be in YFC, too old to be in SMS...just a bit like someone who is wearing a too-tight but much loved old shirt.

It actually really hurts to realize that I'm looking far beyond the fence of 2401 Taft Avenue, Malate, Manila. This place has been my haven since I was eighteen (not so long ago). And now I don't know why I'm eager to leave it.

It hurts to still love the people I'm with: blockmates, orgmates, kabarkadas, and everyone else---but realize that yes our ways ought to part one day.

I need to wash the green and white out of me a bit to regain the reds, blues, browns, and white that I have always loved.

I don't want to say goodbye yet. There are still people I want to take care of, still people who need me, still so much I have to learn. Yet I know that I can never be that guileless girl who rushed into things.

To some of you: You guys were the ones who saved my life and gave me a certain sense of purpose. It was all well and good; I found family, I found God again through you guys. But you really all have to grow up. We won't be in DLSU forever. I'd rather not see you guys as much if it means that you're making something good with your lives. I don't like the present situation we're all in now. You're loafing somewhat, and I'm frustrated.=. I enjoyed what we had as younger students, and I look forward to seeing what you'll become. But to get there, you have to let go of now. As in immediately.

To the rest: You guys are the reason I'm still hanging in there. I'll be your big sister all the way. If you'll let me. And for as long I'm supposed to be. Just two more terms, boys and girls. By then, I'm sure you'll manage well enough.

To you: I know you don't check this multiply anymore, but let's just have it out. I've loved you for more than a year now. I loved you enough to be something of a sister and friend for you, but I know the solidest proof of my ever loving you was letting go of you to let you do your own thing last year. And I knew you loved me in your own strange way when about a year ago, you told me something that set me on the track of becoming the person I am now. You're closer to becoming a man than before. I'm prouder of you now than I ever was. And all of that gave me a chance to grow up too. The problem is that I've changed so much that I have realized that as of now, you don't deserve me. I don't want to give up on you, but I know I will have to soon enough. You're an awesome, amazing guy, one of three people who I could trust to be honest with me most of the time. Yet you're the same person who broke my heart, who made me cry, who simply cannot handle some things about me. You're still younger than me, you still need to grow up. I liked you enough to be your friend. I loved you enough to let you go---it hurts everyday to see you and remind myself that we need to grow up. I just pray that if our paths cross again, you'll finally be ready. Then I'll be able to love you so strongly that you will have no choice but to stay with me.

I know I have to finish these things: my stint in SMS, my working student stuff, my OJT, thesis, and undergrad degree. I think I'll cross over to SFC before going to medical school (location is a very big factor).

After graduation next year, I'm only going to go back to DLSU to get transcripts, etc. And maybe just maybe see some three or four people I love very much finally graduate.

Letting go never hurt as much