outgrowing my life

I feel I'm too old to be where I am: too old to be an undergrad, too old to be in YFC, too old to be in SMS...just a bit like someone who is wearing a too-tight but much loved old shirt.

It actually really hurts to realize that I'm looking far beyond the fence of 2401 Taft Avenue, Malate, Manila. This place has been my haven since I was eighteen (not so long ago). And now I don't know why I'm eager to leave it.

It hurts to still love the people I'm with: blockmates, orgmates, kabarkadas, and everyone else---but realize that yes our ways ought to part one day.

I need to wash the green and white out of me a bit to regain the reds, blues, browns, and white that I have always loved.

I don't want to say goodbye yet. There are still people I want to take care of, still people who need me, still so much I have to learn. Yet I know that I can never be that guileless girl who rushed into things.

To some of you: You guys were the ones who saved my life and gave me a certain sense of purpose. It was all well and good; I found family, I found God again through you guys. But you really all have to grow up. We won't be in DLSU forever. I'd rather not see you guys as much if it means that you're making something good with your lives. I don't like the present situation we're all in now. You're loafing somewhat, and I'm frustrated.=. I enjoyed what we had as younger students, and I look forward to seeing what you'll become. But to get there, you have to let go of now. As in immediately.

To the rest: You guys are the reason I'm still hanging in there. I'll be your big sister all the way. If you'll let me. And for as long I'm supposed to be. Just two more terms, boys and girls. By then, I'm sure you'll manage well enough.

To you: I know you don't check this multiply anymore, but let's just have it out. I've loved you for more than a year now. I loved you enough to be something of a sister and friend for you, but I know the solidest proof of my ever loving you was letting go of you to let you do your own thing last year. And I knew you loved me in your own strange way when about a year ago, you told me something that set me on the track of becoming the person I am now. You're closer to becoming a man than before. I'm prouder of you now than I ever was. And all of that gave me a chance to grow up too. The problem is that I've changed so much that I have realized that as of now, you don't deserve me. I don't want to give up on you, but I know I will have to soon enough. You're an awesome, amazing guy, one of three people who I could trust to be honest with me most of the time. Yet you're the same person who broke my heart, who made me cry, who simply cannot handle some things about me. You're still younger than me, you still need to grow up. I liked you enough to be your friend. I loved you enough to let you go---it hurts everyday to see you and remind myself that we need to grow up. I just pray that if our paths cross again, you'll finally be ready. Then I'll be able to love you so strongly that you will have no choice but to stay with me.

I know I have to finish these things: my stint in SMS, my working student stuff, my OJT, thesis, and undergrad degree. I think I'll cross over to SFC before going to medical school (location is a very big factor).

After graduation next year, I'm only going to go back to DLSU to get transcripts, etc. And maybe just maybe see some three or four people I love very much finally graduate.

Letting go never hurt as much