Sunday, December 23, 2007

first pics with my cam




Yes, you read that right. I got my digicam yesterday...nothing overly expensive, but at least still functional. Enjoy!

Friday, December 21, 2007

also 93% teenager

Got this from Kaye:

[x] Held hands with someone.
[x] Lost someone.
[x] Never got a chance to tell someone
something important.
[x] Cried your heart out.
[x] Danced.
Total so far: 5

[x] Rejected someone.
[x] Heard a rumor about yourself.
[x] Hurt someone emotionally.
[x] Hurt someone physically.
Total so far: 9

[ ] Got involved in a sport.
[ ] Been called a dork.
[x] Fell in love.
[x] Went to a funeral.
[x] Know someone who has tried to kill
their self.
[ ] Know someone who has died from
drinking.
Total so far: 12

[x] Wrote a love note.
[x] Went through a phase.
[x] Got ditched.
[x] Know someone really stupid and/or
annoying.
[x] Got in a fist fight with family
member/not a friend
Total so far: 17

[x] Made a mistake.
[x] Thought you found the one.
[x] Been dumped
[x] Lied to your parents.
Total so far: 21

[x] Felt like dying.
[x] Had a crush.
[x] Been lied to.
[x] Felt like the happiest person in
the world.
[ ] Told the person you liked, that
you liked them.
Total so far: 25


[x] Prayed.
[x] Texted in class.
[x] Drank alcohol.
[x] Had more than one crush at a time.
[x] Disliked someone.
Total so far: 31
Final Total: 31

Multiply by three; 93%
Done!
This is how much of a teenager you are

these past few days have been...

Tiring and irregular.

Back to obsessing about grades: I do hope we do not need a 2.0 in TRIGBIO to apply for majors next year, otherwise a lot of us might be in trouble. Pero I highly doubt that's the case. Can someone give me peace of mind and tell me what do we need to major?

Right after getting the psystat course cards (and hanging out with Char, Marc, Ryan, and Sir Kintanar), I went to MOA with my sis, Jess, Dana, Jercy, and Kristine. We went shopping and eventually I watched them go bowling (that's what I get for not bringing socks!) . Anyway these last few days have had me sleeping past 2am and waking up at noon in time to go shopping. I'm kinda broke now (despite pooling with my sis for gifts), but hey, I am Ms. Low Budget.

I cut my hair again, almost to the same length as I did the last time. I think I might get mistaken for a guy, since a lot of my clothes are pretty androgynous. Well, let's hope I get mistaken for a cute guy. Lolz.

Anyway, please comment, or post, or whatever. I want to know how you all are doing. Peace!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

garantisadong bwiset na buhay

Last night...okay, enough said. I am just glad I got home fine despite my digestive tract's rebellion. And I'm glad I managed to get back to a functional level waaay before the others did.

Today: course card day. Well, I spent a good part of it with Nana, Justine, and Trisha in Jade's place, watching "Hairspray". I can think of few movies that can manage to be fun and mentally scarring in the same heartbeat.

So what's the score for my grades? No DL, but scholar all the same. I love my GPA, I hate Trig (for screwing up my life and my blockmates' lives).

Sunday, December 16, 2007

halatang bored

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, your favorite kind of sandwich, or maybe your favorite game. Any remark, meaningless or not.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions

1. In your opinion, why is the sky blue?
-Besides the scientific explanation for refraction of light through the atmosphere, I think blue is one of the few wavelengths that sentient life can stand to look at for long periods of time.

2. What fictional character do you most identify with?
-That's hard. Probably Minerva Mirabal as portrayed in "In the Time of the Butterflies"--a restless, take-charge, idealistic woman torn between simpler dreams and her convictions with regard to social justice.

3. What was the childhood dream that meant the most to you?
-I suppose it was to write. It still means a lot to me.

4. What do you do when you want to relax?
-I write, I read, I eat, or simply drag a few friends out for some inane fun.

5. What is your favorite color/pattern and why?
-Hm, I have a thing for red (by itself, with black, or as part of a tricolor). Red is well, a bold color. Associated with revolutions. It's 'a world about to dawn.' And it's more in keeping with my temperament than blue ever will be.


I supposedly cost $3011 a night!
Natural Hair Color:
[x] Brown - $100
[] Blonde - $50
[] Black - $15
[] Bald - $5
[] Other-$75

Eye Color:
[x] Brown - $1
[] Green - $75
[] Blue -$50
[] Hazel -$100
[] Other - $15

Height:
[] Over 7' - $200
[] 6'8" to 7' - $175
[] 6'0" to 6'7" - $150
[] 5'5" to 5'11" - $75
[x]4'9" to 5'4" - $45
[] Under 4'9 - $45

Age:
[] 31 to 40 - $100
[] 26 to 30 - $75
[] 21 to 25 - $50
[] 19 to 20 - $25
[x] 0 to 18 - $100 (Pedos.)

Birth Order:
[] Twins or more than twins - $300
[x] First Born - $300 (I am, technically, BOTH.)
[] second born - $150
[] third born - $100
[] fourth born - $100
[] fifth born - $100
[] Last Born - $100
[] Only Child - $250

Do You Drink?
[] No - $400
[] Only Holidays - $250
[x] Sometimes - $215
[] YES - $200
[] Only weekends - $350
[] Every other day - $50
[] Once a day - $15
[] I live from the bottle - $Bankrupt$

Vision?
[] perfect vision -$300
[] need or have glasses/contacts but don't wear them - $200
[x] No correction $100
[] Glasses $50
[] contacts $25
[] Surgical correction - $1

Car(s) Color
[] Black - $450
[] Blue - $900
[] Gold - $700
[] Gray - $600
[] Green- $350
[] Maroon - $800
[] Obsdian - $800
[] Pink - $2,000
[] Primer - $75
[] Purple- $250
[] Red - $400
[] Silver $300
[] Tan- $20
[] White - $475
[] Yellow - $100
[] Metallic - $200
[] Rusted - $15
[x] No Car - $0
[] Other - $ 50

Shoe Size:
[] 13+ - $300
[]12.5 to 13 - $250
[] 11 to 12 - $700
[] 7 to 10 - $500
[x] Under 7- $550

Favorite Color:
[] Aqua - $350
[] Black - $100
[] Blue - $300
[] Brown - $50
[] Green-$750
[] Orange - $300
[] Pink - $100
[] Purple - $225
[x] Red - $600
[] White - $400
[] Yellow -$475

Did you use a calculator to add it all up?
[] Yes - $0
[x]no- $1000
[] on some - $550

Total : $3011

REPOST WITH TITLE:
"I cost $____ a night!"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

let's see how fast I can type

I suppose I can tell you what my vacation's been like next time I see you guys. But well, why bother with my stories about being stuck in Makati Med when I can relate them here?

Oh-kay, this is how it begins: stat test and er, getting squished in between chairs. Really, there is a reason why I wish the rooms in Miguel Building were just a little bigger. Supposedly my grades *aren't* in trouble. I'm not the best or luckiest in stat, but I wish I could share some of that aptitude for normal curves and distributions just to make up for my problems in Trig and PE.

I had been giving out my Christmas gifts earlier in the day, but some of the block wasn't done yet with the test (which explains why Andria and I were hovering about near the door, waiting). Well, I wish I could have stayed to hang out with people, or stayed just to enjoy the free day. But well, having to visit and keep my dad company in Makati Med somehow has to take priority. Last night was spent on the sofa in the room, listening to my dad get impatient with the orderlies and nurses who'd come in and out to ask the same questions over and over again. My Tito Benjie and my Tito Vince visited also last night. I suppose that put a break in the monotony of the day.

Today: going home to learn that course card distribution was moved. Going home to spend time writing, using the YM and finally getting some rest and recreation. Still haven't slept properly, though.

Lunch today was my first 'real meal' in two days: real meal meaning something more than a sandwich and a drink. Breakfast yesterday: pandesal and coffee. Lunch: McDo burger and soda. Dinner: more burger, and coffee. Breakfast: pandesal and hot chocolate (see the pattern?) Lunch: GINILING! At last!

If this keeps up, don't be surprised if I've gotten even thinner before we all next meet on Monday. As if there's anything left to lose.  

Monday, December 10, 2007

...and I think I haven't lost my right to complain...

Last night, I admitted to my mom that I run a risk of getting out of the Dean's List because of my PE and Trig grades. She started going on and on about my scholarship, about why I shouldn't compare myself to Trisha, Minseun, and my other DL friends because I'm 'different', etc.

Darn it. There's a BIG difference between a 3.0 GPA with no grade lower than 2, and a 2.0 GPA. The latter, I know I can do it, even with my hated subjects. But a 3.0 GPA with no grade lower than 2.0 when I have PE and Trig at the same time is just asking for a lot. I mean, I worked harder this term to pass than I did during first term. No more Malate residency---I might get kicked out of the org if I don't catch it up soon. I didn't cut class. Actually did my homework. I really don't know what more I could have done.  

I think I hate the disappointment more than the fact. I suppose I could care less, but I can't stop caring. And I suppose I should be thankful that I can keep my scholarship still (and I am, really). Still, it sucks when you feel you have the cloud of shame hanging over your head when in reality, it need not be that bad after all.

one day more!

"tomorrow we'll discover what our God in heaven has in store!"

Of course, I suppose that this would be more appropriate for the 17th, but I think that having only one more exam to go is just cause enough to quote the musical again.

I hate my inability in Math. I look at equations and I get a panic attack. I'll be lucky to even get a 2 in Trig.

I suppose that the rest of the week should be fine. Somehow. Some way.

I don't know what else to do with myself nowadays.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

heh, yesterday and today

Am right now in the DLSU comp lab with Andria, whiling away time while waiting for friends and professors. Well, these past few days have been *very* interesting.

Yesterday: TRIG well, is TRIG. It never was my favorite subject--and probably never will be. Sigh. At least I'm *passing* that subject. KASPIL was okay, I suppose, even I wasn't called for reporting. Kudos to Jazz for doing the report well all the same. PE was just...frustrating. Enough said.

Justine, Minseun, Jade and I went to Harrison Plaza also to get gifts for our block Kris Kringle thing. Turns out that 'something sexy or kinky' can be hard to find and can also be open to interpretation.

(Justine pointing to a scandalous thong) "How much is that?"

Saleslady: "50 pesos"

Justine: "Mayroon bang panlalaki?"

LOL

Today has also been a pretty good day: tredone reporting going well, picture day in psystat class (we love you, Sir Kintanar!) and having pancit for lunch.

So far, my bad luck has been counteracted save in one aspect...

 

Monday, December 3, 2007

to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield

This morning was unusually relaxed for a Monday. Never mind that I was dumb enough not to study for Zoology lecture. But hey, good things happen strangely: finding we actually came out alright in TREDONE, finding that I got a good grade in the psystat exam (though the world must be ending: Macmac got higher than me in the theoretical part, while I managed to ace the computational exam. Note that I am numerically challenged).

So I am trying to fill up my shopping list, trying to review for well, things. Trying to see where these crazy finals will bring me.

Friday, November 30, 2007

of Beowulf and song tunes

I'm listening to old songs from the bad old 90's, or my preadolescent days...not good for me, actually. But hey, at least the inspiration is flowing back.

In another life, I wonder if I'd be a psych student still. What if I'd gone for acting as a kid? What if I'd discovered my love for polsci earlier? What if I had been bullheaded enough to decide to major in Literature? One good thing about the last few months is that I'm discovering more about myself; that part of me that's just been hiding for the last few years in the face of many other priorities.

In the light of recent events in politics, I'm almost happy to retreat to the fantasy world of novels, Beowulf, and sword and sorcery epics. I do wonder what kind of a life is it to practically sell your integrity for the sake of some good. If then, what good is it to be?

I think the same thing can be said for politics.

I gotta go before I get sentimental again.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

nature's cosmic joke

SUNDAY: The ultimate fangirl experience: NEIL GAIMAN! I didn't get my books signed, true, but it was worth going to Serendra with Trisha and Mac just for a good q and a with the man. I got to meet several interesting people: Tim, Hope, Noee, and Rob. All older, very eccentric people. You meet the coolest people in a Neil Gaiman event.

The universe is playing one strange cosmic joke on me nowadays...

MONDAY: ...TREDONE again...reporting thankfully, not practicing. Psystat...correlations. At least it was something I knew. Zoology lecture wasn't so much the ordeal I expected (anything concerning the reproductive system is an ordeal for me...ick), and lab was marginally better. I ended up staying late again to watch/hang around during practice. At least playing with Justine's laptop was somewhat a good thing.

TUESDAY: TRIGBIO. Yes, like anything good beyond passing happens to me in trigbio. I have a decent score mean in that subject, but my variance is atrocious. KASPIL was great: I shocked Sir Bascara by actually speaking in Filipino! Hahaha! Then there was that earthquake while the gang and I were in the sport's complex. I did the most undignified thing: screaming. The volleyball practical test sucked for me (I failed...again). Still, my team won the championship. Kudos to Janine, Wong, and Franz for that!

Had to stay late AGAIN for practice (playing the last girl standing...) and had to make a shopping trip too. At least commuting with Nana and Franz (just like old days) made matters marginally better.

TODAY: Hell day by way of TREDONE again! Since I'm on the props/tech team, I had my hands full with arranging things, running about and basically trying to play damage control. Never mind if we didn't win. You guys danced to your best anyway. :)

Saturday, November 24, 2007

cwts...

Finally, the return to Barangay Banaba:

I overslept! So I ended up having to run all the way from the Vito Cruz LRT station to Harrison Plaza (quite a long way, I realized), and I thought my asthma was going to kill me halfway. Anyhow, we were still right on schedule, and got to San Mateo without any hitches. We visited our host families again. Sheila, Marie, and I got to spend some quality time with Ate Andrea and her two kids Alex and Jon. I got to taste ginaataang tilapia for the first time in my life.

Afternoon was spent mainly playing with the kids, getting hyperactive owing to lunch (or for Nana and Justine, cotton candy), while trying to dodge Jon's attempts to bite the volunteers. Then we had to have our project presentation. So far, it's going okay, though I do believe that the Buklod Tao members are more than willing to make the best of the student presence in the area (now we have to fix up the reading center in addition to tutoring the kids).

Still, despite the inconveniences of travel and getting my shoes muddied and dealing with the dangerous river and the chronic smell of the neighborhood pig pens, I love being in CWTS. Salamat di ako nag-RO! For once, I thank God for my myriad disabilities.

Going home was mainly spent dozing off, or talking dazedly to my blockmates.

Thank God that not a single drop of rain has fallen here.

Tomorrow: Neil Gaiman at the fort. Meeting up with Trisha, Justine, and Mac. Possibly seeing my cousin too.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

humor in the classroom

Today: figuring out for ourselves that the TREDONE trip would be postponed. Then during TREDONE class, we just had a discussion before breaking off into groups to talk over our research projects. (eek, must start my research!)

Psystat was the most fun thing yet: we got to play a game "Steal the Bacon." Can I just say, I wish I had more sleight of  hand.

I had to also attend a lecture about metafiction. It's the coolest thing, but I don't think I can attempt to write something that complex, yet.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

crawling in from someplace

Yes, today the day of oddities...

TRIGBIO: I got to school early enough to hear Nana and Nica talking about their interesting days/mornings, whatever. Somehow, I got the feeling the world was about to end for two reasons: Firstly, I understand trig in some way or another, despite my dissociative amnesia (forgetting traumatic events)/failure to absorb Math back in AC. Secondly, Franz was late for his *fave* subject---an unbelievable thing that got quite a few eyebrows raised. Only someone with his aptitude for Math can walk into class as late as he did and still keep up with the discussion as if nothing happened.

KASPIL: Another sign the world will end: our prof managed to keep the discussion squeaky clean for once. And *gasp* he didn't call some of his usual victims/favorites. More on Rizal again. I understand Rizal, but I root for Bonifacio. Hahaha!

Lunchtime: Finally catching up with Justine and regaling her with all the events of the day. I thought I was coming down with something, but Trish and Andria figured it was at the very least dehydration. One bottle of lemonada was all it took for me.

PE: I managed to injure my elbow during practice (e.g: before class). Still, I got into almost every game for our team, and was a referee for the last game. It was kind of our day; we won not just the practice game, but even the first game we played for championships. Still, I felt my gut lurch every time I heard someone say, "Kat, it's your turn to serve." Ay yay yay. It doesn't help that I'm teammates with Janine, Franz, and Wong (all three of them can manage at least three good serves in one turn, and can spike like it's nobody else's business), and that everyone else on the team (Nina, China, and Kaye) are all likely to at least pass the course.

After PE, Soo Yeon treated me and Minseun to some merienda. Then after that, I just had to go home, but well, on an alternate route. That's what I get for being too lazy to go through the MRT.

On a note: I love my old-new backpack/pasiking. Old because I've had it since I was 10, new since well, I'm only really using it now as a schoolbag. It's perhaps the most snatcher-slasher-proof-thing I own.

Oh yes, I think I'm much more psychologically stable today now that I'm learning to let things go.

*sneeze*

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Start. Research. Forget TREDONE and Kaspil.

I am getting all these interesting invites from Pao (my dear prose editor) to attend various talks on writing. Problem though is that the scheduling gods of second term have it bad for me.

I'm more worried on finishing my story for Malate Lit Folio by Friday. I'm writing it in short bursts---I think I need to revisit the neighborhood tomorrow to get some dirtside inspiration on the hypothetical route that my three characters will take. It's funny how the entire mess began to take shape: first it was meant to be a suspense thriller thing using characters and places loosely based off my real-life experiences, then it turned into a flood misadventure inspired off the time Trisha and I got stuck in the bagyo. Now, it's turning out to be a misadventure cum sociopolitical yarn on varying levels.

At least it's better than writing angsty, Eponine-esque poetry. XD

Monday, November 19, 2007

slightly weathered...

I swear, my first term in DLSU was the best academic term I ever had. I cannot say the same about second term: Zoology, Kaspil, PE, and er, everything else in between.

I honestly thought we weren't going to make it for TREDONE. I was kind of hoping we'd get a decent grade, but not make it to the final presentation. As much as I'm proud of everyone and everything, I just wish it didn't have to get everyone so worked up. Or screw with everyone's schedules. I know I do not have to stress that much about it, but I can't help being affected by my own work, and the general feel of the entire thing especially with regard to group dynamics. Gah. Nine more days, guys.

Hm, matters are deteriorating somewhat. I talk to Nana, Franz, Jazz, and Wong less and less nowadays (owing perhaps to various matters and different skeds and crowds). And heck, I can't help but be ten times more impatient with Franz than I was during first term. I am honestly not sure why---but perhaps it's owing to my familiarity with his brand of work ethic, and also with my more frenetic manner as of late. Not a good recipe for seatmates/lab groupmates or anything.

Can someone tell me I'll be okay?

Friday, November 16, 2007

I know I think too much

Which is why I'm still awake...and reading everyone's blogs!

I hear Wicks scratching around upstairs...yes, she knows I should be in bed. But I can't sleep, mainly owing to the thoughts that have filled the vacuum in my mind.

So I have managed to forget most zoology related things. But since nature abhors a vacuum, what space that had been occupied by the toad systems is now filled with good memories of AC varsity night, some ideas for the Malate folio, and quite a few evil thoughts for penning down in some epic one day. And heaven forbid, I'm thinking of someone again. It's the weekend, it's the one weekend when I am not going to Taft, and my thoughts are still tied up in that direction. So to distract myself from the deteriorating present (grades suck, friends are stressed, and not speaking much to him for some God-knows-what reason), I enjoy memories.

Reading blogs is educational. I get to see different perspectives of the events we all lived through. I never knew that some of us had differing perceptions on things, or did certain things, or even thought about the most surprising matters.

Recently, I've begun to grow some sense of humor---yes, eighteen years too late. I don't consider this a fair trade-off for my academic aptitude. I spent eighteen years existing, five years learning about life, and only two so far actually diving into it with all the passion I possess, and only very recently learning to laugh at it.

Which makes me, according to developmental psych, something of a late bloomer, or someone who hasn't resolved some earlier stages of development.

So to all my good contacts here, particularly Justine, Nana, Jade, Nina, Janine, Nica, Kaye, China, Rory, and the rest...please have the patience to deal with me a little longer. I'll try to reform.

Monday, November 12, 2007

At the end of the day, we are older, but not always wiser

Alright, I'm taking some time from CWTS work, and just unwinding before cracking the Math book. As if I really want to study exponential functions and logarithmic functions.

So these last few days haven't been so easy. It could have been worse (honestly, I don't know how some people can keep their tempers under control.) Truth be told, I am SO glad that we're almost done with the TREDONE project. And that we can stop grumbling about practices, missing items, pasaways, tardiness, and the entire mess that tends to come with class projects. I used to think that upon arriving in college, everyone would have to act somewhat more mature about things like these. Well, it turns out that it does take some time for such things to happen.

Kudos however to Justine, Franz, Janine, Nana, and the rest for holding matters together during the rehearsals, and eventually our late filiming today. You guys really deserve a big break after the hell we all put you through.

Most of my worries are out of my hands now: I'm done enrolling, cwts is 'mostly done', and owing to some soul-searching (or maybe it's just the formalin), I might be able to get a grip on my psychological health now. I've been so out of wack for the last few weeks (swearing, crying, forgetting things, snapping at people, overeating, undereating, flunking zoology, acing anything numerically related, screwing up in PE, wearing skirts to school, and being somewhat of a pain in the ass). I need my more congenial self back again.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

yes, it was good for a Wednesday

Blogging per request of Jade.

So yesterday was Halloween---which in our place means trick or treat, and some get-togethers. This year, I invited some blockmates to come over. Trisha, Minseun, Jade, and Justine were the only ones able to make it.

After Psystat class, I went for lunch with Trisha, Justine, and Mac at Dondon's (in the EGI), and satisfied my gyudon craving. From there, it was mainly meeting up with random people (Janine, Ria, Min, Anna, Anne, Nica, Rory, Diego, Jay, and even Justine's friend Al), till we met up with Jade again, and Minseun finished POPS orchestra practice. All the way to Makati (stuck in traffic), we were irreverently joking about well, school matters. Basag talaga.

After dropping off stuff at my house and saying hi to my sister and Ica, we went off to Rockwell. From there, it was straight on to Fully Booked to browse through stuff in hopes of finding things on sale. Then we went windowshopping, looking at clothes that we didn't really intend to buy at the moment. Then we had merienda grande in the foodcourt: coffee, egg tart, pastry, and sausages with cheese/onions/bacon. That's the biggest merienda I've had in some years.

Back in the village, there were so many kids going around for trick-or-treat. We said hi to Carlo (he's my neighbor two houses up), and went around the village taking pictures and looking at the Halloween decor. (See Jade's multiply here for the pics).

Dinner at home with family and friends: trying to watch "The Fog" while eating more again: spaghetti, inihaw of all kinds, seaweed, balut, cake, and lots of chocolate while telling insane college stories to amuse Clarisse and her friends. Then I tried to let everyone listen to some music selections (in hopes of finding ideas for our TREDONE presentation), but in the end, we ended up listening to all the gag songs in the music library of the computer. So much fun though.

Sad though that not everyone could sleepover. Sad that not everyone who I invited could make it. But hey, it was still quite a blast! Christmas party naman soon... 

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lux et Lingua

The stardust swirling in our eyes

The absinthe loosening our tongues

The visions of dawn peeking through

Contained in a penstroke

one of my favorite poems (dated last year also)

Consider Music

The drumbeats of the past echo fainter
Anxious to mingle with a new melody
A burst of song that originated in one land
A single blast of horns in the wood
Resonated all through the world
From a city, to another, in awful majesty
The forces proclaiming a new reality...

...only to quiet down into a murmur...

Consider the melody of where I am
It is a suffering love song of a woman in pain
Of a man yearning for a lost love
It pines, pines...and pines again
And sometimes it is an aria of dawn
A promise of something better
However, it dies once again...

...into the same bitter yearnings...

Consider the discordant tunes far away
Of too many voices and instruments playing
Each in its own babble, lovely disharmony
Oh how well celebrated, and how duly scorned
One seeks to cancel out the other
One note rising to overpower the rest
And the song rips itself apart...

Consider the sheet of theories
That hold much promise in the ink
That seek for one to take them in hand
And then breathe in the life
Oh how maligned is the thought and pen
There is nothing wrong in the framework
Save when it or the substance is twisted...

...into the grotesque jangling of chords...

Consider the screams of those awaiting
In their raw, anguished yearning
Each appalling song is something to be learned
And a cry to be addressed
If someone could uplift them from their confusion
And show them a proper place in the firmament
And give their passion the guiding hand...

...what music could this world play?
...what times could we await?
...what dawn could we look for?

Saturday, October 27, 2007

things that cheese, coffee, and chocolate can't cure

Right now, I don't really want to go on YM, but I do long for company. I would just love to find someone to talk to over coffee with. Never mind if it's just the Nescafe from the counter.

I am at a loss as to my helping write part of the CWTS project proposal. Right, it's probably nothing compared to my sis' research paper, my friends' theses, and even memorizing muscles for zoology, but technical writing is still difficult.

I'm not completely sure if I'll be gone on the 10th (right now, chances are 50-50), but either way, it's going to be 'damned if I do, damned if I don't.' Damned if I go: I miss classes, I might not be able to handle writer's critiques, and who knows what else can happen in a Malate Writer's Workshop. Damned if I stay in Manila: there's always Zoology, having to give a presentation in CWTS, and the other everyday hazards of being a college student in DLSU.

Remind me: I have to buy a magic slate before we go back to Brgy. Banaba.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Impolite (dated earlier this year)

Couldn't you have entered in quietly?
I swear, I never invited you in.
I was just puttering in the library
And you followed me right home
And dragged several friends with you

In my sleep, you all call to me
I never have a night's sleep of peace
"I'm seventeen!" I cry to you to leave
But you won't, since you know the truth
I was like all of you once...

"Whatever happened to eagle's wings
And defying the groping arms of night?"
I stand my ground, I have things to do.
"Leave me to my lonely soul, my cocoon.
One day, I'll come, I'll come to you,"

But the last blow to my glass bubble comes
In the form of black and white
Unforgiving papers on my doorstep
Oh why does everything hit so close
When I most wish to forget?

In the morning your vulgar tauntings
Coax me out of the embrace of sleep.
In the afternoon, I hear all your shouting
Telling me why I should move...
Telling me that I'm stuck in miasma.

Ladies and gentlemen leave children to dream
They do not pry into others' businesses
But well, we're all beyond that point
Wretched forms searching, yearning
And I the worst, the least of all.

It is this rudeness I deserve
And that which will save the rest...

Concrete Strip

It is so simple to grant your wish
As we stand at the walls of Eden
Outside looking in
On the paradise so near

To feel the dirt within our shoes
Instead of the concrete without
To run our hands through the grass
To race across the field

I could watch your hands stretch out
As you zoom down a slide
I could hear your pure laughter
Over the creaking chains in the swing

Yet such priceless joy
Is dearly bought
For your small hands
Knowing nothing else but the dust

If I only had the means
To break down the walls
To let you wander the Paradise
That rightfully belongs to you

A place that my friends and I knew
And disregarded so easily
Is now the unattainable jewel
In your shining eyes begging...

...I can only hoist you on my back
As we walk away sadly
Knowing that you can never get there
I can never really return

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Spirit of EDSA DOS

I am the spirit of EDSA DOS, waving a tattered banner on the busy streets. For the past six years, the nation has noted my triumph each January. It is a premature celebration, for the struggle is far from done.

 

            I am the daughter of that first revolt that toppled a dictator, and a cousin to every uprising after my emergence. I am the will of a people that is longing for peace on varying terms. I am the betrayed woman who is still banking on a promise that has been broken over and over. I still hang on to the hopes born during those days in front of that sacred shrine draped with banners calling for a president’s resignation. I stand before you now, dear Filipinos, to remind you of the justice you are so slow to realize. I rise before you amid the recent chaos not to give you comfort but to strip you of the languor that stills your limbs and your conscience.

 

I put on trial today as I did six years ago the true culprits of our disillusionment. I accuse the amnesia of the nation that has robbed so many of the will to act for the people’s welfare.

 

I indict the lust for power and fast profit, and their cousin Ignorance, for their blinding of both officials and constituents to the needs and duties of one another.

 

I accuse as well our system of personality politics that uses artificial titles and showbiz popularity as a means of election as opposed to true, informed, and free suffrage.

 

I do not spare as well Indolence, the laziness that expects the fruits of a democratic state to be given to a people that has not been able to undergo the necessary cultivation to fully enjoy and use these rights and duties.

 

These we spoke against under the fluttering banners and slogans during those days and nights on the highway. What did I come into being for, oh Philippines, but to give you a second chance to have a country to be worthy of admiration and pride not just for 2001, but for many years to come? What did I emerge for, but to displace an inept, corrupt power in hopes of ushering forth a new spring in honest governance? And what did I live for, but for a dream that the Filipino people will be united as a whole in the long road towards humane progress instead of being divided from camp to camp, ideology to ideology, religion to religion, or worse, personality to personality?

 

I am the spirit of EDSA DOS, wandering still down the avenue, seeking to stir the memories of the souls who once marched with me. Am I to lie in vain, oh youth of the Philippines, while our country continues to groan under these ancient chains? Am I to become a mere figment like my mother, and be bound to watch my cousins struggle on with various, but mainly futile results? Or am I to hope that as you read this, one more person should remember the denunciation of an obstruction of justice, and see once again with clarity the vision of a people’s will at work for the good?

 

I trust that my rising has not been in vain, and that we will not only stop to remember, but continue on to move.

Political Nerve

Note: This came into my mind sometime during a biology lecture. Being in front row doesn't help.

Political Nerve

 

            There is a strange parallelism between neuroscience and politics. The Filipino political will is a communal nerve that is constantly under irritation. As of late, it has been slow to function, since the disunity of its synapses leads to confusions that must be sorted out for societal, national, and international stability.

 

            There have been several powerful synapses in our country’s history, and countless smaller ones that are often lost in oblivion, but nonetheless important in our daily function. We can see the more prominent synapses in our textbooks: the 1896 Revolution and the EDSA Revolts, and the lives of statesmen, doctors, educators, scientists, artists, athletes and other luminaries who have achieved immortality in written posterity. In the second category are the thoughts, words, votes, and actions of every citizen, the continuous course of Filipino life in the world today. This writer can only associate herself with the latter.

 

            Our political nerve has been irritated into desensitization and submission. Under the constant strain of scandals, crimes, disasters, and the degradations of the Filipino’s dignity and quality of life, it is no surprise that we have grown to ignore the repeated pricking at our political will. Many former firebrands and leaders have already been cooled and jaded, and our youth are in that same state already even before they have begun to rise. The right to suffrage is grudgingly exercised, our citizens evade paying taxes, and we wonder why officials sit in their offices holding duty only at an arm’s length. We have essentially become numb to our country, tossing around the excuses of failure and a feeling of helplessness against ‘unchangeable realities’.

 

            Why then is this desensitized state so dangerous? The role of the nerve is a relay, a conduit for a message to be translated from a receptor to the brain and spinal cord, and back down to the part that must interact with the environment. The nerve carries a message that must be put into action. In this same light, politics can be considered as the conduit for a people’s actions with regard to the times they live in. In allowing ourselves to be lulled, we have contracted the political equivalent of Hansen’s disease.  Despite the downward slope of today’s state of affairs, we hardly move to alleviate suffering, yet we rue over the devastation we see. We allow the various forces of poverty, corruption, globalization, and human and environmental degradation to sicken the rest of our way of life and our wellbeing. In this model, one can only anticipate the eventual collapse of the body, which in this case is the Filipino state and the people.

 

            So what can be done to repair the state of our political nerve? The cure calls for a coordination of the everyday synapses—a leading into the same direction. What is the philosophy of Philippine governance? What is the eventual direction, the ideal of the Filipino? These must be decided immediately. With a goal in mind that shines forth beyond all the turmoil of today, we can begin to revive our numb extremities in hopes of spurring them into action.

 

The second part would be to reform the will of the people. So many times has this been misconstrued in the various uprisings and upheavals our society has experienced, from every election, to the explosion in media and recently, globalization. The will of the people has been cast as ‘mob rule’, or on the other extreme, the monopoly of just a few in power. Too many of us act out of self-interest, or perhaps with a mere lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions on the wider sphere. In as much as the entire nervous system relies on the precise coordination of synapses and neurotransmitters to elicit a proper response from the entire organism, so we must align ourselves and each and every citizen towards a common goal of national unity. No longer must our individual wills and actions be considered as merely for ourselves, for our families, our local governments, or for the sake of a particular idol or personality. So many have talked of national consciousness, but it up to us to claim our part in it, to redeem and educate the ignorant, to enlighten the multitude that comprises this consciousness. This is so that the will of the Filipino may not be just reactive but proactive and constructive in these tumultuous times. 

 

Though not all things can be changed externally, our integrity in the face of the uncontrollable can be maintained from within. How we change or fall in this new millennium is all a matter of will. Our political nerve needs to be woken up, fast, for the simple fact that our circumstances and our people can no longer afford to wait.

 

Thursday, August 23, 2007

after a hiatus

Yep, nightygal convinced me to use this thing again. Bonjour, mes amis.